i have so much to say but so few words to say it in..

Swirls of ideas, desires, responsibilities, "being an adult", adolescence ideologies, mirages, images, photographic-should-be-moments, float around in my head, it's hard to understand and distinguish between what I want, desire and am passionate for, versus, what I know I should do, which is get on working, making money, being responsible.

If only there was a tap somewhere, or a sieve, where I can just sieve through everything and put them back into their little boxes and let the "non-adult" things, the dreams gather dust and be forgotten again. But I know, if I did that, sooner or later, they'll be found again.

I've suppressed them for so long that I've forgotten how happy I've been to finally let it all out. Yes, I have these mixed emotions.Popping some little white pill, have crossed my mind so that I'll forget about these dreams and just become an adult, like everyone around me is.

But I have yet to live, yet to experience, to see, to smell, to taste, to touch. I have so much more of the world to explore and I don't want to tie myself down to one job, day in day out. God it scares me so much. And yet I know, I know my responsibilities, I know what i have to do and 6 months have passed where I have worked, even if at times it's sparodically and during that period, some of the time I have felt happy, passionate with what I am doing. I know parts of wanting to get away stems from feeling so hopeless, defeated, depressed, almost bitter. These are emotions and feelings I don't want to feel, I don't like, I know I'm so much more than  that and I having these feelings is not who I am. I just need to get away from everything, I know some of you are thinking, aren't you already recharging? No. I struggle to get up in the morning, because I'm tried, I'm tired because I can't sleep, and if I do sleep, I have horrible dreams, where I wake up anyway. I'm unable to truly be happy. I need to find out what I want, what direction I want to take and I think getting out of Perth is the only way I can do it. I need to get away from everyone and everything.

I hate this rut I'm in. I feel as though I'm hiding from my problems instead of facing it. I feel as though I'm not being pro-active with anything and I really need to start. Either get away and do something I truly love for a while or just ignore that and get on with it and be forever complacent.